Soliloquy

Darkness surrounds me in my sleep; I reach for my hands
Lest they dissolve in the quagmire that has formed.
The year liquefies into an entity that I can barely
Call my own; to be the author of such discrepancies
Is beyond my power. To reach into the chasms of such

Degeneracy and walk away without batting an eyelid
To the myriad joys that fill my heart is what gives me hope.
My friends ask if the smile on my face is plastered for good;
They do not understand when I speak of the stages of
Betrayal that I go through when speaking of the intricacies

Of love. How else would it have been possible to start this
Year on a note less painful than the year before? To have
Mistaken control for affection and bondage for servitude
Ahead of the very idea that makes me shiver and
Pleading to rid myself of this captivity makes my lips

Ache in search of the ‘water that cannot be found,’
As I once painstakingly wrote. Yet, it is to you that I turn
In times of such acute anguish, questioning myself
All the while if it’s a blessing or an affliction to be held
Captive by such memories. To rise out of such depths is

In my power, and I shall soon release the world from the
Bondage I hold it in. It would be a fine chance too, to win my life
By losing it, which means not recklessness but acceptance,
And not killing myself for once. Between clinging and
Letting go, I feel a terrific struggle. And yet, I breathe.

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