Soliloquy

I saw you turn your head towards the sun
which was slowly disappearing into the horizon
and thought of asking you why you said nothing
when I would refuse to speak to you or blame you for everything
But I knew you would always give me that smile
the one that said that you’ll love me
even if I made a complete fool of myself
even if I got you a newspaper headline screaming, “World’s Worst Dad.”

You were perhaps scared to allow me into this world
But I don’t impute you for what you have made me
although honesty and integrity hold little meaning
It has made me what I am today

I know you feel sorry for introducing me to this painful endeavour
I even know that you curse yourself for bringing me
into this treacherous, deceitful and dishonest world
through no fault of yours, I was already holding you to blame

It was you who set me on the search for everything
but nothing hurt you more than seeing my teardrops fall
I could never be the son that my conscience wanted me to be
but you were always smiling sitting in the South Stand

or under the merciless sun at St Andrew’s or at the Gymkhana
It gave you enormous joy to see a part of you hit hundred after hundred
but it killed you when he was reduced to a pawn in a chessboard
played by immoral and unscrupulous men in disguise

What could I possibly know about you
apart from the fact that you were a million miles from home
and although you never spoke of the gash inside you
I would always confuse despair with debauchery

Growing up was never easy, neither was living away from us
But you would do it all with a smile
and for embracing the promise of a better tomorrow
A lesser man would have surrendered but not you

Your innocent ways introduced me to hope
but it took me years before I understood that it was a lie
that courage and truthfulness were in fact vices
but I wouldn’t blame you for not telling me so

You never shied away from your responsibilities
just as you always hid the pain in your voice reeking of anger
away in a tribal village with only your determination for company
You kept telling me to have faith in the heavens above,
in a God whose existence I was no longer sure of
I have failed you tremendously and I am sorry for that
I saw you turn your head towards the sun
which was slowly disappearing into the horizon.