Soliloquy

Dear daddy,
Thank you for trying to bring me up in this cold world,
Thank you for letting me live even though I was a girl.
You always thought I would one day make you proud,
Yes, mommy used to always say it out loud.
I loved the time spent together with you and Mom,
But it changed the day kids in school asked where I was from.

Dear daddy,
I will always have the utmost respect for Mom and you,
And I will never forget our annual visits to the zoo,
When Mommy used to bring packed lunches which we used to eat,
And I remember how you always taught me never to cheat.
But then I grew up and got sent away to this school,
Where the kids were cool but took me for a fool.

Dear daddy,
You taught me to ride and you taught me to draw and be alert,
But you didn’t teach me to deal with boys who stared up my skirt.
You didn’t teach me to be strong when I was catcalled,
Or when in tenth grade by my history teacher I was mauled.
You taught me to be silent even when things went against me,
But I don’t blame you, maybe our muddled-up society couldn’t see.

Dear daddy,
I don’t blame you for the time Sid touched me with an eager hand,
Refusing to stop until he reached the top of my waistband.
I don’t blame you for when Uncle Sharma tried to kiss me in the dark,
Or the time when my English professor tried to molest me in the park.
I don’t blame you for all these things which you didn’t know,
As men believe they can keep going even after they hear “NO!”

Dear daddy,
Thank you for making me not lose my faith when I was young,
Making me believe that this was not a cruel country but of heroes unsung.
Thank you for giving me this false sense of security and trust,
And I don’t blame you for the time those things turned into dust.
But I can’t keep going any longer, I give up because I have lost,
I’m pulling the trigger, I don’t want you and Mom to suffer at my cost.
Yours lovingly,
Shruti

Dear Shruti,
Now every day is filled with tears and agonizing pain,
I’m no longer sure if it’s only me or this nation to blame,
I’m sorry to have brought you up in a world so cruel,
You were the apple of my eye, the tip of my jewel,
I have failed as a father and we have failed as a nation,
I’m pulling the noose, let me join you and we’ll have fun.
Sorry, love, Daddy